shattering uniformity.
This one is slightly personal. Who am I kidding? It’s all personal. Wounded healer over here.
I am so grateful for the emergence of neurodivergence. Sounds like a great album name. Neurodivergence or Neurodiversity speaks to the presence of different variations in mental functions. The most acknowledged neurodiverse conditions include autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia: all of these ‘dis’ prefixes reflect a system that is rooted in a belief that ‘normal’ and ‘typical’ actually exists across 7.8 billion people. Sounds ridiculous just reading it, let alone believing it.
Alas, it’s becoming more accurate to accept that differences are not inherently deficits. Sure, beings with these above-named diagnoses may struggle notably in a system that prides itself on conformity and uniformity via suppressing bodily needs, overriding psychic knowing with scientific evidence, and convincing our mind and mental capacities to tyrannically control all of our other systems. This drunken power of the mind is very hard to deprogram. However, let’s be honest: neurodivergent or not, is anyone meant to thrive in the current social conditions? Oh yes, I know who will thrive: robots.
Differences are not inherently deficits. Much research has shown the wide array of strengths in neurodiverse populations, to the point where one may even call them gifts. I think of Albert Einstein’s expression, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. The question I have for you at this point of our journey together is, “What is your genius?”” This question has the capacity to completely transform your world, shatter your false beliefs of self, and well, set you free. What is your genius? I will ask it in another way: what are your gifts?
~
A little over a year ago, I met someone who completely shattered my world. She’s now my coach. We were in a training together and she pulled me to the side (virtually) and asked me if I knew something about myself. *dramatic pause* She asked me if I ever thought I was…gifted. When I say I scoffed, busted out into uncontrollable laughter, and refuted this suggestion with every fiber of being; I honestly thought she’d mistaken me for someone else. I said something ignorant (and I mean that in the most literal sense of ‘lacking knowledge’) like ‘I was a straight B student all my life’ and ‘if this is true, how come no one else has told me?’ Then she sent me an article and I was completely floored.
You know that feeling when you’re reading something and it’s as if what you’re reading is about you, written almost for you? Yeah, that was happening to me in a way that I could have never predicted or theoreticized. I started having vivid flashbacks of my childhood where my highly sensitive self got me roasted by my older siblings (and an extra few licks when I couldn’t stop crying *insert Trinidadian flag here* ha!), shrieked loudly and spontaneously out of excitement, made funny animated voices similar to Elmo (I was dubbed the ‘animated one’ in my family; sounds very Jedi as I read it), joined all the sports teams in school and expended energy like it was going out of style, constantly defied social rules (the rebel) and stood up to bullies with no fear of getting my ass kicked, classic ambivert in that I was petrified and debilitatingly shy to order food by myself but also would bust into a wild dancing and singing performance if you played the right chune, spent a lot of time imagining and fantasizing, attended several protests (Al-Quds for Palestine!), out of this world curiosity and inquisitiveness, and on and on and on. The biggest undercurrent of my cumulative lived experience is the degree of INTENSITY that I feel constantly and consistently, and clearly emanate. I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me, ‘wow, you’re so intense,’ ‘ you’re soooo dramatic!,’ or ‘where do you get all your energy from?’ Well shit: the gifted literature started to illuminate a part of my existence that I spent quite a bit of time dissociated, confused, and othered about. I never felt shame and I’m so grateful for my family that offered me an innate belonging in this world. They never othered me and til this day, appreciate the color and vibrance I bring to the mix. But, as you know, the womb of the family unit can only shield you for so long until you enter into the world as an autonomous being. Things got turnt as I attempted to socialize myself in the world.
Differences are not inherently deficits. I say that now as a grown woman who was offered insight into the variations of my mental functions. And that was only a year ago. So you can imagine for all the years prior, I was existing in a dichotomy that only encouraged dissonance and a feeling of split. Out of integrity and into duplicity or even worse: multiplicity. How many different people am I and can I be to all the people who can’t accept my differences as strengths? My coach reoriented me with two mental frameworks: 1) have reverence for these gifts and how they can bring you in relationship to your emergent potential, and 2) recognize the difference between being possessed by something and in possession of something. I know, she’s good. I am not possessed by my gifts but rather in possession of them. And until I can respect them and hold them with love and sanctity (as they were divinely given to me), no one else will.
~
Let me highlight something important here: in the gifted literature, there is a concept called overexcitability. Overexcitabilities are “inborn intensities indicating a heightened ability to respond to stimuli. Found to a greater degree in creative and gifted individuals, overexcitabilities are expressed in increased sensitivity, awareness, and intensity, and represent a real difference in the fabric of life and quality of experience.” (1) Kazimierz Dabrowski, a Polish psychiatrist and psychologist who considerably illuminated the gifted world during his time, identified five areas of overexcitability or intensity: Psychomotor, Sensual, Intellectual, Imaginational, and Emotional. In short, “one who manifests several forms of overexcitability, sees reality in a different, stronger and more multisided manner.” (2)
The important thing to name here is that giftedness and overexcitabilities are often conflated. Although overexcitabilities are often viewed in gifted populations, the research isn’t consistent enough to equate the presence of one with the other. If you have resistance to feeling gifted (which I do at times), just know that experiencing life through the presence of these areas of intensity absolutely creates a different reality and varies your mental functions dramatically. And it’s enough to make one feel different, deficient, and othered in the toxic culture of uniformity. In my heart, I believe we all experience levels of intensity in those five areas. The angle of giftedness is that the presence of intensity in all of these areas is significantly higher and thus can be disruptive when attempting to adapt to a culture that deems one deficient if presenting with any alternate neural expression. A little breakdown of each category may help to see if you experience intensity in any of these areas: (3)
Psychomotor
Physical expression of emotions. Surplus of energy, such as intense physical activity, competitiveness, rapid speech, restlessness, nervous habits and tics, and impulsiveness. Preference for fast action.
Sensual
Enhanced sensory experience of visual, auditory, olfactory, gustatory, or tactile stimulus. Appreciation of beauty, need for desire or comfort. Sensual expression of emotional tension (i.e. overeating).
Intellectual
Profound curiosity, love of knowledge and learning, love of problem solving, probing questions, search for truth, understanding, knowledge, and discovery, keen observation, reflective thought, introspection, avid reading, sustained intellectual effort, love of theory and analysis, and independent thinking.
Imaginational
Detailed visualization, vivid dreams, love of fantasy, creativity, inventions, love of music and art, good sense of humor, preference for the unusual and unique, fear of the unknown.
Emotional
Depth and intensity of emotional feelings and relational attachments, wide range of complex emotions, strong memory for feelings, high concern for others, heightened sense of right, wrong, injustice and hypocrisy, empathy, responsibility, and self-examination. Tendency toward feelings of guilt, anxiety, loneliness, depression and somatic expression of emotions.
See a little bit of yourself somewhere in there? That’s great! If not, that’s great! Really, self-awareness and cultivation unlocks powers in our being, specifically the power to write and rewrite the course of our lives. The act of simply knowing this type of energy exists in a variety of people in both micro- and macro-doses is extremely helpful when growing collective consciousness, compassion, and acceptance. BIG NOTE HERE: these overexcitabilities are INNATE. They are not something that you can mentally acquire. It’s embodied and part of the somatic blueprint of a person. AND, many of these expressions could have been subdued, repressed, or drilled out of a being. Part of self-cultivation is to receive information and ask yourself somatically, ‘is this true for me?’ and to listen deeply for an authentic response.
Why am I offering this content to you? Firstly, if you are feeling different, a) you’re not alone and b) there’s nothing wrong with you. To experience life intensely can be exhilarating and frustrating, especially if you’re unaware of what this intensity signifies. Secondly, and this is the piece of content that really shifted my entire paradigm of self, Dabrowski developed a theory that revealed one’s capacity to utilize their overexcitabilities in moments where beliefs of self and the world become ruptured, and co-opt that shattering to attain a higher level of personality and development potential, all in service of a person’s highest ideal they have for themselves. He called it the Theory of Positive Disintegration.
As with anything, if you type that theory into a Google search, you’ll get all the information you need for a fun, intellectually-intriguing and neurodivergently-satisfying evening. Careful now, you may (positively) disintegrate receiving that level of information, especially if what you’ve read above has been resonating HARD. Go slow and know you’re in community already by reading this. Positive disintegration simply put is the process of deconstructing one’s self and reconstructing it in a way that moves one higher up the “Mountain of Integration.” Dabrowski uses the imagery of a mountain with five levels that outlines one’s potential for optimal personality development. The act of disintegration is positive because it helps me climb up the mountain rather than push me back down. The entire premise of positivity in this case is reflected in the expression, ‘things are happening for me, not to me.” When we can step back enough from our challenges and/or recognize our limiting and false beliefs, and include the added layer that these experiences are in service of evolving and developing our personality and consciousness, then we all become alchemists in our ability to transmute lead to gold. And gold is a precious metal from the earth that is virtually indestructible. Your setbacks, your challenges, your shame, your suffering, your addiction, your fears, your loneliness, your depression, your anxiety, your oppression, your suppression, your caging, your worries, your shackles, your tie-downs, your guilt, your hiding, your duplicity and multiplicity: they all become precious midwives supporting the journey to your true nature that is not only priceless, but eternal. And as Martha Beck states, ‘eternal doesn’t mean something lasts for a long time, but something outside of time.” Kinda like light. Light exists outside of the parameters of time because its speed is incalculable. So you become lighter and light-filled. We lit y’all.
Remember that only the best is good enough for one with a heritage so royal as yours. - Ralph Waldo Trine
I’ll offer this as my last point: most of the world is at Level 2 of the Mountain of Integration: Unilevel Disintegration. Unilevel in the sense that when we are challenged, we struggle to see these challenges as positive and therefore cannot access or determine what OUR higher path/next level could be. Emphasis on ‘our;’ this is not society’s rules and path, but your own unique and personal path. When we don’t have our own internal value system to guide us, it’s quite impossible to view disruptions in our lives as good things. Between our nature and nurture, we are stuck: there’s a palpable conflict between what we want as individual, self-actualizing beings, and what society tells us is valuable and meaningful. Feelings of ambivalence arise where we experience deep indecision and feel trapped, as we are attempting to appease two irreconcilable or contradictory things at once. These internal conflicts lead to psychoneuroses and their somatic expressions, including distress, anxiety, depression, and tension. These expressions are indicators of internal conflict, of living in multiplicity and out of integrity. Your nature is dying to be fully heard and expressed but the toxicity of our nurture (e.g., social beliefs, contracts, systems, standards, conditions) keeps us stuck. Most dis-ease and dysregulation can be viewed as blockages or immobilized parts of our being. Many of us are stuck at this Uni-level and are struggling to grow and change.
The systems of domination and -isms that we all are in relationship with were not made to fulfill your nature and soul. Yes, the matrix is real and yes, it’s not that easy to remove one’s self. But I tell you what you can do: start to divest from the conditionings by seeing them for what they are, notice their detriment on your soma (e.g., via your sensations), and choose to stop betraying your self and your truth any longer.
Merging the Maps of Body, Speak, Observe:
BODY: This one is fairly simple: if you experience any somatic expression of psychoneuroses as listed above, including distress, anxiety, depression, tension, and so forth, recognize your body is signaling to you that you’re living out of integrity. When you are moving from a place of wholeness, where what you value and orient toward is your absolute truth, these expressions significantly subside. This doesn’t mean you won’t experience these expressions ever in the future as you continue to move toward integrity, it just means that when they do occur, they can be received as clear, deliberate, and intelligent smoke signals from your body indicating that you are splitting from your truth. And your soma doesn’t like being split and it’s not interested in playing the game much longer if these somatic expressions are consistently present. So I offer you to be with those moments of anxiety, depression, tension; whatever it is, feel the bodily sensations that come with those states, and as my friend Ahran says, “have tea with them.” The minute we choose to love something, it no longer harms us. So instead of running away from those smoke signals, sit and listen to them, and ask them what they are trying to tell you about your true nature and personal values. Over time, you will become more versed in the sensations that arise when those signals present themselves and will be in a more conscious position to begin (re)writing a course of life that you REALLY want.
SPEAK: Somewhere in my small, ego-driven heart, I would love if you quietly uttered, ‘differences are not inherently deficits.’ But only if it’s real. ;) No but seriously, if you’ve felt different or neurally divergent/diverse all your life and this rumination comforted you in that difference, select a statement for yourself that you can say or have visually accessible (e.g., post-it on a wall) where you begin to affirm the sanctity of your individual expression. It starts with affirmation but truly, the end goal is realization. Realize you are wonderfully made and unique in your expression for a greater purpose. Which leads me to my next suggestion: identify your personal values. What is valuable, important, and meaningful to YOU? It’s imperative you place your household culture and upbringing, friendships, social indoctrinations, and, dare I say, religious affiliations to the side for just a moment: what are the things that you value? What is your orientation point? What is your true North Star? I am incredibly informed and led by my faith and Spirit and, I had to create a small buffer between myself and my religious upbringing to be able to authentically and genuinely ask those questions. Don’t worry, all the things you hold dear will be there waiting for you when you come back. You’re just creating a space for your self right now. If you’re looking for a list of values, click here.
OBSERVE: This rumination touched on many different concepts so I’m attempting to hold all the cans I’ve opened equally: first, if you really feel seen with the discussion on neurodivergence/diversity, observe yourself with this new content. Do you have a sense of relief? Urgency? Comfort? Dread? Curiosity? Just see what’s coming up as you contemplate this concept. If you feel the language of overexcitabilities is intriguing and relevant, notice which area of the five expressions resonates the most: psychomotor, sensual, intellectual, imaginational, or emotional? Or all of them might have pinged for you. Notice if there are parts of you that awakened to this information but other parts that quickly diminished that awakening due to feelings of fear, shame, or desire for sameness? Finally, observe if you’re in a state of Unilevel Disintegration, in that you are trying to reconcile two irreconcilable ways of being. In other words: you’re stuck. Often we discard the power of observation, the capacity to witness one’s self and truths and trust in the validity and reality of our intimate experiences. It really starts with you, on the inside. The narrative and trappings of the world are real and cunningly efficient at making us feel like we have no power, no choice, no agency in how our lives turn out. Hence the indecision and waves of anxiety and depression. Sometimes the smallest and most profound step one can take in these moments is to choose to stop lying to one self. This can be easily converted to a whole practice, as Martha Beck suggests in her book, ‘The Way of Integrity.’ Stop lying to your self. Stop lying to your highest self. Stop splitting yourself from your truth and your intuitive knowing. And if your truth is still murky for you, sit down with your self, remove your distractions, and have tea with the exiled parts of your being. Observe them and they will slowly show you the way back to wholeness.
Endless love and gratitude to my coach Ilana Grostern. She has been instrumental in welcoming this exiled part of my being back home that I’ve grown to love, nurture, and uphold with the highest reverence. We all have gifts y’all. Cheers to the diversity of our human expression.
**schedule a complimentary un-earthing call with me here.
Love love. -aa
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