the silent change agent: courage
This rumination comes on the heels of a quiet period in my life. I have to keep reminding myself of the significance of this precursory fertile period and the impression it has left. A dear friend proposed almost two years ago that I read a book called ‘The Courage To Be Disliked,’ when I would tell him about the ways I was feeling stuck, judged, and indecisive on the next steps in my life’s journey. It got to a point where he would just smile and say, ‘The.Courage.To.Be.Disliked.’ I would groan and say ‘I know, I know, I’m going to order it, it’s in my Amazon cart!’ Earlier in May, I visited this friend in Munich, where he gifted me a copy. I read it in less than a week.
I try to avoid making these ruminations book reviews, but goodness: what is shared in this read left me in a state of reframe. It offered me language around deep sensing and inner knowing, and peeled back the layers of complex behaviors and desires. My only gripe is the lack of acknowledgment of the effect that systemic and systematic dehumanization has on one’s belief systems of self and life potential. It’s truly irresponsible to act as if the playing and discovery field is leveled, not because of nature but absolutely because of nurture. It’s also important to realize that life in fact, is not fair. One can go so far as to say that is the point. There has never been a point in history where conflict didn’t exist. ‘Peace’ may not actually be realistic. As long as the flaw of the human encasement exists through its impermanence, destructive behaviors of greed, revenge, jealousy, hatred, and so on are here to stay. It’s the contrast necessary to continually recenter and reorient to the purity of one’s soul. And it’s all the more evident that the conversation around courage is a poignant and timely one.
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In French, when wishing someone ‘good luck,’ we say ‘bon courage.’ In other words, when one is going to do something new, monumental, or nerve-wracking, courage is required. The word ‘luck’ obscures this reality in English. This is my pitch to learn another language y’all. ;) I joke, I kid. But in all seriousness, the authors of this book state quite early that “it’s not a lack of competence or ability but rather a lack of courage,” that we struggle to make changes in our lives. Change is a frightening thing, walking into unbounded space, getting lost, and not being able to see beyond the now. As humans who are constantly in flux, we grasp onto any familiarity, yearn to make tasks reflexive so our brains can rest, and are not necessarily willing to sacrifice the pleasures we enjoy now that change may eventually require. Trust, I get it. It’s really not so simple and easy as it is made to seem. But here’s the catch: regardless of where you are or choose to stay, you, as a soul, are continually evolving. Even if you don’t throw yourself into challenging situations or run from your comfort zone regularly, you’re still going to grow. And at some point, the activities and beliefs that you once classified as ‘sweet pleasures’ will no longer be resonant or relevant. They’ll feel bleh and meh (you know exactly what I mean). It’s your choice whether to change, but it’s not your choice whether you evolve. Evolution is going to happen regardless.
I’m sure you could argue that some people don’t evolve, but I would say unless they’re a recluse, their circle and world around them is constantly evolving, so it’s really a matter of time before one realizes one is running on old software. At that point, one can dig their heels in the dirt and choose to not change, but then the social needs of one’s existence becomes jeopardized. All of this is to say: change is actually inevitable. It is more beneficial to welcome moments that beckon change and learn the relevant strategies, than to resist by expending an astronomical amount of energy clinging to eventual irrelevance.
Let’s explore some key concepts introduced in the book:
It is more helpful to examine the purpose of certain behaviors via the intended goals they serve rather than the argument of causation, where causation suggests a helplessness and victimhood of being (e.g., “humans are not so fragile to be simply at the mercy of cause and effect” is stated by the authors in the case of trauma, but rather we choose our lifestyles ourselves depending on what intentions and goals we have for our lifestyle choice).
“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems” - I know, this absolute claim is super intriguing!
Learn to separate other people’s tasks from your own as a first step to disentangling and resuming adequate distance and depth in all types of relationships.
You are not at the center of the world but part of a wider world-universe community and your worth and value are derived from the contributions you make to that community.
The ‘here and now’ are all that exist and freedom can only truly be attained by having the courage to assign meaning to your life as the only person who can do so.
Don’t worry, I’m not going into mega-detail for each of the above. I think it’s sufficient to say that if one of those concepts intrigued you, let’s connect. What I will offer is a distillation that may blow your edges off. Yes, there will be some grief to that loss, but I promise they’ll grow back, more full and integrated as ever, and you may actually grow to like them more. See how change works?
Let’s enter from the juiciest of them all (in my opinion): ALL PROBLEMS ARE INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. *shrieks* I am so tickled by this claim. It’s not everyday that you get a statement that is claiming absoluteness. Upon further reading and reflecting, I see the soundness of their point. The reason why the ‘all’ feels valid here is because we are fundamentally social creatures. “It is only in a social context that a person becomes an individual,” in the sense that if there were no other humans around, concepts such as loneliness, love, and anger would not exist. We need the presence of other humans to manifest these expressions. Even the concept of ‘worry’- there is not such thing as ‘internal worry.’ Worry only exists in the shadow of others. Super cool, huh?
So how do all problems become classified as so? Well it starts from the presence of a natural human feeling from birth: a feeling of inferiority. This feeling is important and healthy, which speaks to the desire to improve upon one’s condition. This feeling of inferiority puts us on the path of the pursuit of superiority, which is a mindset of taking a single step forward in becoming a clearer version of one’s self. These are natural, healthy goals and feelings that go awry when we enter into competition and comparison mode. Rather than the experience of healthy inferiority that comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self, and the pursuit of superiority (whose aim is not about trying to be better than other people), instead, from childhood, we are thrown into the ‘Hunger Games of Ideals’ and the birth of complexes ensues. So now a feeling of inferiority becomes an inferiority complex (i.e., I am not good enough) and, when the inferiority complex thinking is no longer tolerable, a superiority complex can also come alive (e.g., I am better than most and let me show you). At times, the inferiority complex can become so intense that the bragging of one’s own misfortunes can become an identity. I know, wild. And also kinda makes sense. When a state of powerlessness is brought on by social and systemically-initiated intense feelings of inferiority, thus developing a complex, it’s reasonable to regain power through overemphasis of the opposite. Herein lies the problem: the inferiority complex, the bragging about one’s misfortunes, the superiority complex: they become prisons. The overidentification with the feelings of inferiority becomes a hindrance to change. As long as the formula is ‘if it weren’t for A, I’d be B,’ no change will ever occur because this formula implies causation, which disempowers the individual and suggests a lack of access to the capacities that change necessitates. According to the authors, it becomes “an excuse to not change.” In moments of defense or resistance, where the first inclination is to say ‘I am this way because [insert cause here],’ ask yourself “what goal am I accomplishing by telling myself this belief?” More often than not, you’re giving someone (or your own self) the reason for why you cannot change.
Let’s cut to the chase: stop competing, stop comparing, be self-reliant, separate your responsibilities from others, lose the desire for recognition, become unbothered by other people’s judgments, have no fear of being disliked, stop intruding and intervening on other people’s responsibilities, develop the belief that people are your comrades and not your enemies, live earnestly in the here and now, recognize that you are part of a larger human-universal community where people are not here to satisfy your expectations, move away from self-affirmation towards self-acceptance, genuinely have confidence in others by believing in their goodness, learn to value self and others on a ‘level of being’ rather than a ‘level of acts,’ consider that life is a series of moments rather than a scripted, fill-in-the-blank story, believe that the meaning of your life can only be decided by you, and finally: invest in your worth and value by making contributions to others as means to create chosen community.
How them edges doing? I know what you’re thinking: ok, so HOOWW does one do these things? The suggestion is in the last point: when one has a firm grasp on one’s value and worth, these enumerated principles begin to resolve themselves. This is not an esoteric ‘know who you are,’ but actually a subjective feeling of worthiness and value that one gains when making contributions to others, which fosters a feeling of community. This is the big huzzah of the book: it is posited that when one is able to feel that they are ‘beneficial to the community,’ one can have a sense of one’s worth. In a formulaic sense, belonging (community) + contribution = worth & value. Feelings like ‘I am of use to someone’ and ‘I can make contributions to other people,’ experienced subjectively without external judgment or praise, allows for a feeling of embodied community, which is noted as the goal of interpersonal relationships. D’accorddd. It still feels intellect-ey, no? Let’s drop down.
We exist in a world that has been perverted and corrupted by capital. It’s paramount to understand how this corruption has completely disrupted and distorted the porosity that is the human being. We are porous intentionally because our existence is based on being able to sense, feel, and be deeply with each other. The consequential armoring, hardening, and wildness that exists in the world is directly linked to the inception of domestication, possession and ownership of communal resources, commercialized labour, and the commodification of the human. Please sip the tea slowly here because this kind of departure away from our human essence makes the return home perpetually arduous. It’s never going to be easy to be human in an inhumane world. But this is why concepts like ‘quality over quantity’ are profound in their simplicity: there is no value at all in the number of friends or acquaintances one has. All you need is one. One person who will start the undoing with you. And you may be that one initially. But disregard the fallacy of numbers: a community or society begins at two. Two people who are willing to resist the current and return to wholeness. Be the one and find your two. And then passionately find others.
Start by building a horizontal relationship: each person is equal, but not the same. Begin the process of disentanglement by asking, “whose task is this?” To determine the assignment of tasks, the best question to ask is, “Who is going to receive the end result brought about by the choice that is made?” That person identified is the respective task holder. Explicitly delineate up to what point one’s own responsibility goes and from what point it becomes another person’s responsibility. Finally, do not intervene on other people’s responsibilities and do not allow another person to intervene in one’s own responsibility. This ‘separation of tasks’ is essential for the following reasons:
It maintains the edges of the individual within social contexts
It creates a degree of distance that is necessary when forming healthy interpersonal relationships
Intervening on other people’s responsibilities is an egocentric, self-centered way of being, suggesting hierarchy and a belief that the person in relationship is beneath the other; vertical relationships will inevitably end in comparison, competition, and emotional bloodshed
It allows people to manage their own tasks which instills a sense of autonomy, responsibility, and courage to face one’s own challenges
It creates independent-thinking individuals
All of this occurs when you literally say (with deep love): ‘this is not my task.’ Stepping back from someone else’s task, especially when you’ve been holding it for some time, is not abandonment. It is still possible and appropriate to remain in an assistance position, ready to support whenever the desire is expressed. However, the respective person is responsible for interacting with their task, determining how to face its challenge, and seeking out support when or if needed. Seriously y’all, stop doing things for people and calling it love and support. The fastest way to lose courage is having hard things done for us. Children especially lose the courage to confront challenges in their life when their parents intervene and potentially take the task away from them. The child learns nothing and loses the courage to face life tasks when they grow up.
Think of a time when someone stepped in (out of love) and covered a task that ignited fear or worry in you: close your eyes and really take yourself back to that moment, feel the sigh of relief knowing you didn’t have to confront that particular challenge. Now open your eyes and ask yourself, “did that support your capacity to confront a similar challenge in the future? Do you feel equipped to problem-solve the next challenging situation? Did you learn anything in that coverage?” The intellect can find suitable answers, but the heart and body knows that the fear and worry is still very much alive. If up until now your experience with overcoming challenge has been defaulted to external intervention, consider that your power and capacity to change is also externalized, out of your agency. Where there’s a dependence externally, there’s a wilting internally. The atrophying of the muscle of courage breeds a host of psychosomatic challenges that leave a residue of despair and helplessness. And then the inferiority complex awakens. And then we remain stuck.
I want to pin here that depending on one’s presentation, sometimes it takes courage to merely exist. To leave one’s home, to step into spaces where one’s erasure is part of the fabric of the institution. Sometimes someone stepping in to offload a challenging task is a balm to an inflamed system that is genuinely tired of having to be courageous. I see you. Your grip is my grip. As a friend once said, “Your tired is my tired.” Be careful to not become so identified with the struggle that you end up losing your courage. When it comes to making a change, to gaining freedom and liberation, courage is a necessary ingredient. Balance is, and will always be, key. Be sure to rest and restore, recharge and lay on the earth. Let your back body become wide and porous once more, and rest your front body in and down. True courage comes from the back depths of our being, from an embodied noesis of one’s worth and value within their community and in the sight of the Creator. With time, the action of fight needs to transform into an essence of being for longevity and sustainability. Be the one. Find your two.
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”
- Anaïs Nin
I want to conclude by reflecting what the authors name as the ‘greatest unhappiness:’ not being able to like oneself. Why is there such an intense desire to be recognized by others and the world? The authors state that in essence, people want to like themselves. They want to feel they have worth. They want a feeling of contribution that tells them ‘I am of use to someone.’ And in order to gain that feeling of contribution, seeking recognition becomes an ‘easy’ means. ‘Easy’ because in reality, it’s incredibly fatiguing to go around seeking recognition. There’s no guarantee you’ll receive it, you disintegrate in the value systems of others, and because the feeling of worth isn’t born subjectively, it’s not fulfilling. Like those scenes where the character is parched beyond lucidity, and turns over drinking glass after drinking glass desperately seeking just a tiny drop of respite. It’s perpetual soul drought and starvation. It’s not the way loves.
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Last, last point: the distinction between self-affirmation and self-acceptance. Woo chile. I feel like I have an active vendetta against affirmations. I don’t know, they just don’t and never have worked for me. I recognize the power of words and, faith without works is dead, no? I want something that will meet me where I am. Introducing: self-acceptance! The authors suggest a change from self-affirmation to self-acceptance, as a means to reach ‘affirmative resignation,’ begin the journey of liking oneself, and instill the courage to change all that one does not. Remember, the pursuit of superiority is about becoming the clearest version of your own self’s ideals, so if one is genuinely content with how one’s self is, there’s nothing to change. Self-affirmation is discussed as ‘making a suggestion to oneself, even when something is beyond one’s ability,’ which can lead to a superiority complex or a way of living where one lies to oneself. For example, if performance on a test results in 60% success, self-affirmation will have one saying ‘yes, even though I performed at 60%, the ‘real me’ can do 100%.’ Self-acceptance on the other hand is accepting one’s ‘incapable self,’ and moving forward to do whatever one can to improve the performance. In the case of the 60% success, one accepts their ‘poor performance,’ and asks oneself, ‘how do I go about getting closer to 100%?’ No self-affirming required. Affirmative resignation involves ascertaining what one can and cannot change, and going from there. Ultimately, self-acceptance is trying to remove insidious delusions of grandeur, have you look squarely at your self, and accept yourself for who you are exactly as you are at this moment in your life. Resign from the things you cannot change, and have the courage to change the things you can. Make contributions to others without the need for praise or recognition, remembering in the eyes of God that you are valuable and were created self-transformative on purpose.
Finally, consider that life is a series of moments where you are essentially ‘dancing’ your way through. The journey of life is actually the outcome, in that what is ‘now forming’ is what ‘has been formed.’ This type of movement is called energeial (new word alert!). Rather than the classic kinetic movement of point A to point B, suggesting life is a line and therefore follows a particular trajectory, energeial movement prizes the process as the purpose. Our goal is not to live a life. Our goal is to live. As such, do not postpone life bur rather live in the here and now. And as you choose the trajectory for your life, know that you will inevitably get lost along the way, as this is the first time your human expression is doing this earthly journey. Hold steadfast to the truth that your existence carries innate value, you are worthy to be liked by your self first, your presence changes the lives that you intimately connect with, and the contributions you make to others fertilize the sacred grounds of love, community, and freedom.
Merging the Maps of Body, Speak, Observe:
BODY: I feel I’ve entered into my ‘broken record’ era when it comes to body awareness but alas, I commit to the magic in repetition: notice how you body has received this rumination. It’s never about whether you mentally agree or disagree. Really, information is free to regard and disregard, every day. What is curious is how the body perceives novel information, paradigm shifts, lifting of veils, contradictions, and nuances. One of my common body responses when I read something deeply true is that my eyes start to water. Something about a deep truth that I only had feelings for materializing into words awakens my soul and my body’s response is tears. It’s taken me quite some time to honor that response, as it happens on its own time, with any relevant material. In other words, I can’t control it. So just notice for yourself what concepts in this rumination pinged, left an imprint, made you stop and exhale, look away, sent you into association or contemplation, gestures like snickering (I know I’m funny), gasping, the classic ‘mmmmmm’ when something resonates. Fun fact: for me, the ‘mmmmm’ is my attempt to drop the brain’s clicking of the puzzle piece down into my body using the vibration of the /m/. The intelligence in our systems is truly inspiring!
SPEAK: I think it’s clear that I will not be giving any more affirmations, if I ever did in the past. The map of ‘speak’ resonates the most for me in the realm of self-acceptance. Can I utter things about myself that I’ve been wrestling with, choosing to not accept? Can I acknowledge the existence of my ‘incapable self?’ It feels self-sabotaging and counterintuitive, but it’s only when we can truly accept our current presentation, that we a) won’t feel the fear of someone else potentially noticing what we deeply know, b) won’t be made vulnerable by those who try to hurt us by pointing out our current deficits, and c) can actually make progress forward. It can be something small like, ‘Wow, I am an impatient person,” or more heavy like, “I actually dislike my body.” Instead of affirming “I am a patient person,” it seems more helpful to accept what is real in this moment, and from that awareness, make plans to change the things one can change if the desire to change is present. Change to become a clearer version of your self, not out of shame. The disillusionment that occurs when we find out affirming doesn’t address the reality of the here and now, but keeps one suspended in the future, which isn’t real, can be crushing. Out loud, speak your current state of self, and from there, ask yourself what you can do to improve upon your state.
OBSERVE: My recent Instagram post talked about the dangers of increased self-consciousness or ‘observing.’ My conclusion was to continue to sharpen the skill of observation and witnessing, but also allow yourself to meet the moment that is the here and now. So while you speak these hard realities of your current self, observe the resistances that may come up. Observe the texture of the discomfort, pain, bewilderment, awkwardness, or shame. And then let it go. Throw your head back and let out a witchy, Lisa Simpson laugh (please google if needed). Seriously laugh yourself hysterical if it wants to come. Laughter is a form of release and we do not need to always be raging or sobbing y’all. It’s ok to lightly contact this whole concept of self-acceptance. Like '“damn, I’m really such a piece of shit. HAHAHAAH.” You get what I mean. Just because you’re laughing doesn’t mean you’re not taking its weight into consideration. It just means you recognize that making this journey heavy sinks you faster and deeper [insert quicksand imagery]. Be with yourself lightly as Aldous Huxley suggests. Greet these states laughing at the door as Rumi offers. Let the laughter turn to tears turn to laughter turn to tears turn to sighs turn to quiet turn to tears turn to turn to turn to… Just let it move. And hold it all, so very lightly. Be brave. Be courageous. Be the one. Find your two.
With so much freaking juicy loovvveeee looovveeee. -aa
**schedule a complimentary un-earthing call with me here.
Referenced text:
Kishimi, I. & Koga, F. (2018) The Courage To Be Disliked.
