pre-birth flatlining: how getting quiet creates life

This is a tender one because I’m not going to give you theory or a summation of a profound concept that I’ve been relating to. No: this rumination is to explicitly reflect experiential learning as one of the guiding lights of my life, and challenge you to supplant the idea that you can’t do the same.

In the last few months, I’ve experienced peaks and valleys of quiet. Peaks and valleys of quiet?? I thought ‘quiet’ was just the valley, the recession, the withdrawal? I know, my first impression of stillness was also one-dimensional: a flatlining of all life’s events that I unconsciously deemed more valuable, worthy, and precious. The residue of the indoctrination to favor only the firework moments of life from capitalism continues to drain from my body, through what feels like thee most nanoscopic holes of a sieve. In other words, the drain is too damn slow! There’s that urgency of capitalism. Ugh, le sigh. Moving on… My exciting deluge of insights and curiosities had gone mum to the same degree of intensity of the previous months’ revelations [the profundities of my existence had been awakened and were present in all my social interactions and exchanges]. I found myself resisting the wasteland of hush, the silence deafening all of my senses and awakening my ‘what’s wrong attention.’ I was ensnared in a thought cycle of defeat and despair, with a few panging words to seal my downfall: ‘you’ve lost touch aasia, you’ve lost your gifts; you’re doing something wrong.’ 

Forget the fact that my environmental, social and logistical situation was dramatically different from the prior space where all those insights were gestated and birthed. The notion that certain environments allow for the expression of hidden and unconscious parts of one’s self to materialize is definitely an embodied truth now. And yet, the unconscious attachment I developed to my identity of abstract-thinker, matrix-builder, dot-connector, and one who can ‘download whenever I please’ started to fester. I now know that the moment I start to value one experience or state over another, I am out of the present and into the ego. The blind over-valuing of a state of active downloading over that of a quiet, integrative, and restorative digestion tells me I’m still playing favorites. That I still have skin in the game. That I still have a personal stake in the world. And according to the Buddhists, those who still have a personal stake in the world, cannot reach enlightenment. As it was reflected to me by my coach, the moment my wanderings are usurped by an agenda with expectations, my sense of self and purpose are lost. This is the primary reason why many of us struggle with stillness, quietude, and containment of self: we won’t give up our story. We still have a personal stake in how we expect, want, and demand our world turn out.

~

There is a concept in Gestalt Therapy called the Fertile Void. The fertile void speaks to the in-between space, a time of restoration, replenishment, integration, slowing, subtleties, reparation- I could literally go on and on about the golden experiences found in this liminal space. I think about how humans can’t go more than a few days without sleep, and I liken the experience of quiet to something like slumber for the soul. It’s absolutely essential that we stop, take inventory of what we’ve gathered, put these experiences down on the ground, survey the new terrain and environments we’ve been engaging in, and reestablish for ourselves a dictum that best serves our needs and values. How on earth will that happen if we don’t stop? The trick of capitalism is that it educates us into thinking that if we stop and look at what we’ve done and are doing, we will fall behind. We will lose momentum. We will lose. The deceit in capitalism is that it requires you to think life is a competition-comparison game. Once the shackles of ‘rat race/who’s doing better’ breaks, a vast world of experience, discovery, and time-space reveals itself. You actually get more time when you slow down. It feels very DUH when I write it, but seriously, how many of us are moving in hyper-speed to get more time? The cray-cray part is we’ve all been duped into believing time is limited. And that money is the key factor in realizing one’s happiness and freedom. And sure, if capital runs the world, money could be a source. But when you layer on all the trickery and conning that occurs to ensure 90% of the world lives in a resource-scarcity mindset, breeding survival responses, urgency, and avoidance of inactivity, then an energetic despair and material withering begins to occur. This digression is to reinforce one thing: the ‘more time’ you’re seeking is for experiences that enliven you, and the only way to determine what enlivens you is to jump off the hamster wheel, stop, and reassess your life’s vision, goals, and desires. So if you find yourself moving in hyper-speed and avoiding the necessary step of rest and recovery, recognize that you are deepening a groove that is inadvertently taking you further away from your vision. Also recognize the fallacy that your goals and desires are only attainable by means of excess, unrelenting, and non-stop continuous ‘work.’

Rumi has a wonderful poem that highlights the importance of balancing outsight with insight. I’ve added two explanations in bold (that are of my interpretation) and italicized the significance of surrender:

Lovers Are Made Aware

You make a hundred resolutions

to journey somewhere,

but He draws you somewhere else.

He turns the horse’s bridle in every

direction

so that the untrained horse (you) may know

there is a rider (Higher Power).

The clever horse is well paced

because it knows a rider is mounted

upon it.

He fixed your heart on a hundred

passionate desires,

disappointed you, and then broke your

heart.

Since He broke the wings of your first 

intention,

how do you doubt the existence of the 

Wing-breaker?

Since His ordainment snapped the cord

of your contrivance,

how can you remain blind to His

Command?

Your resolutions and aims now and then

are fulfilled

so that through hope your heart

might form another intention

which He might once again destroy.

For if He were to keep you completely

from success,

you would despair;

how would the seed of expectation

be sown?

If your heart did not sow that seed,

and then encounter barrenness,

how would it recognize its submission

to Divine will?

By their failures lovers are made aware

of their Lord.

By one’s struggles, one is made aware of a Higher Order. There’s a reason and Greater Purpose for the peaks and valleys of your life. There’s a profound intelligence in the rhythm of ‘on’ and ‘off.’ There’s an intellectually-incomprehensible gift in the quiet. THERE IS DATA IN THE VOID. That is what makes it fertile. It’s not just a black hole of loss, a desert lacking experiences, insights, and impressions. Rather, it’s the deep dark space of creation. It’s the seed in the pitch-dark that has no idea what is up from down, relation to time or space, success from failure. Another way to refer to this concept is the ‘Great Unborn.’ In the nothingness, the disintegration of ‘what was’ and the integration of ‘what is’ begins. I think of the transition from Savasana (Corpse pose in yoga) to a seated shape to end, as a movement-oriented example of the in-between space. As one lays on their side, a somatic experience is burgeoning different than the one that was present initially. This larger concept of liminal space exists within every single facet of our human experience, from the symbiosis of nature to the sustainability of exchange. Honor and embrace the stillness. The subtle parts of you are at play.

Nothing is ‘wrong;’ sacred things are happening.

- Lalah Delia

Just as the Ultimate Creator fashioned the world out of nothingness, we, as miniature creators of our personal words, require nothingness to create purely. True problem-solving comes from establishing distance, looking at the puzzle, and feeling into the gaps of understanding. The meaning-making of the mind must become quiet in order for another voice to be heard. I used to laugh at scenes in TV shows where some type of problem needed resolution, and the character would be sitting and looking at all the evidence or details and then have this ‘aha’ moment and rush off to put the pieces together, like ‘yeah, ok!’ But no y’all, that shit is too real. The moment we step back from an analogous mind-exhausting puzzle, surrender the intellect, and allow a wider intelligence (which is really allowing an integration of all parts of one’s being) to take root, we’ve entered into the void. I know what you’re thinking: what if this void goes on for days, weeks, months, maybe years? What if I surrender, shit pops off, and I get stuck in this state? Is it possible to get stuck in the void the same way we get stuck in constant productivity? The truth is: there’s nuance here. The fertile void is deemed an in-between space. Similar to a hallway, one could remain in-between two rooms, in angst of choosing the wrong door, the anxiety of following through, the grief of transitioning from ‘what was;’ the reasons are countless as to why one might remain in this liminal space for an extended time. But the purpose of the void is to illuminate the variety of possibilities and opportunities that exist on the path forward. In its basic existence, remaining within it is a choice, spotlighted by the refusal to take the next step required in moving forward. It’s structurally and archetypically not meant to be resided within. There’s a comatose, catatonia that emanates when one dwells in the fertile void endlessly. Coupled with an immobilized state is an active alienation of one’s self from itself, as the soul has an affinity for transformation, exploration, discovery, evolution, and inspiration. You may find yourself in the fertile void for some time, but you also are the one who will find yourself out of it when you’re ready. You are not its prisoner. No need to fear its presence and existence.

~

I was chatting with a friend (Hi Kim G!) about this experience and we arrived at quite a beautiful parallel: take the apparatus of a bow and arrow. The key concepts here are the arrow and the archer. The efforts of the archer via the pull of the arrow is analogous to our efforts within any particular creative endeavor, project, or aspiration. When we want to create anything, there is a retraction inward to harness insights, reflections, contemplations, and experiences. This pulling of the bow may look outwardly like research, networking, collecting the necessary public data, or private considerations, resourcing, gestating, and withdrawal from society to successfully implant the seed of inspiration. Regardless, there’s intentional effort here. Wisdom comes in to determine how long to keep the arrow held. If we overexert our self by holding a retraction that is ready to be released, we risk self-injury via burnout, disillusionment, or enmeshment with the ego. Many of us are pregnant with projects, desires, and aspirations that are ready to be let go. So what’s the hold up? Why aren’t we releasing the arrow?

Because the next necessary step of that creative process is: the void.

When the arrow is released and it is soaring across time and space, there is a period of quiet. The arrow has a particular trajectory to fulfill, correlating to the length of time and effort that it was retracted for. The more we pull back, the farther we soar forward. While it is soaring, it’s maturing, developing, widening: but it hasn’t hit matter yet. It’s quietly deepening and integrating all elements of the efforts in the pullback. This is the wisdom we are missing out on when we do not value the rhythm of on and off. If we do not surrender to this lull, then we are doing one of two things: over-efforting by continually pulling the arrow back despite its readiness to be released, leading to an overdue-impregnation of passions, desires, and yearnings and consequentially a higher chance of self-injury, or: succumbing to the fear of the unknown and dishearteningly and discouragingly reneging on the accumulated pullback energy, and returning the string of the bow back to its resting position, with the arrow defeatedly hanging by our side. This is the premature ending of an energy cycle due to the fear of the in-between, unknown fertile space. It’s truly heartbreaking to witness the stifling of creative, curious energy because of the fear of the necessary quiet stage it entails. With time and continuous reneging on creative pursuits, the desire-fire to begin, to effort, or to follow through on one’s yearnings and dreams extinguishes. 

It saddens me the way instant gratification has disrupted a very healthy and essential human experience. The capacity to be quiet, to exude patience and confidence in a Higher Power, the release of attachment to outcomes and results and instead contribute for the sake of the joy it brings to one’s self and others, the pleasure in restoration and relaxation, the ease of slow. One of my yoga teachers used to say, ‘slow is the fast way.’ I also grieve at the need for the expression, ’Not all those who wander are lost,’ which was uttered to combat the dysfunctional cultural belief that meandering, wandering and wondering, and displaying curiosity to move away from the designated ‘path’ are attributes of individuals who don’t know who they are or their purpose. I would argue that the only way to find one’s self and purpose is to wander. The more you avoid the void, the more you avoid your self. Avoid = away from the void. The word ‘avoid’ directly speaks to the eschewing of the in-between space. Damn, that’s trippy. Next time you notice yourself avoiding, avoidant, or in avoidance, ask yourself, ‘what experience, thought, or belief am I moving away from by not allowing myself to get quiet?’ What you’re avoiding has your answers. “The cure for pain is in the pain.” -Rumi

Merging the Maps of Body, Speak, Observe:

BODY: As someone who feels increasingly aware of the sensations of the in-between space, I can reflect that the total body grip of being suspended in time and space is taxing. The word ‘taxing’ is deliberate: it’s a surplus cost that can feel exploitative and fruitless. The grip comes from entering into an unknown space. It’s a natural response from the body to brace itself for any unknown impact, as the territory is unfamiliar. Part of finding ease in the void is recognizing that this state will pass. Surrendering to the wisdom of the present moment means acknowledging the ‘preferred’ environment you’d like to be in will inevitably come. What is important is to be completely committed to remaining in the now so that whatever information is being made available to you can be gleaned, honored, and integrated accordingly. Which means if you find yourself in a space where you feel purposeless, uninspired, directionless (as these tend to be the surface feelings generated by the void since we’re so used to a state of constant productivity and therefore the feeling of not explicitly creating, moving, or discovering can feel like we’re useless), notice these surface feelings and try to soften around them. Softening means smoothing the edges of the resistance that accumulates in the body via tightening, constricting, holding, sealing, and losing touch with the breath, which above all restricts (blood) flow. By softening, you allow yourself to enter into a state of relaxation amidst the uncertainty. A true state of relaxation involves an observable level of alertness: relaxing doesn’t mean sleeping, ignoring, forcing your mind to different subject matter, emptying your brain, or distracting yourself. Rather, relaxation is a ‘dynamic calm in our thoughts, feelings, sensations, and actions.” (1) It’s a ‘quiet alert’ state where the breathing is regular, rhythmic, and constant, while the visual and audio stimuli is followed attentively. In essence, ‘alert’ and ‘awake’ are distinct in that the quality and power of attention can maximally be harnessed from a relaxed body. When the body is relaxed, the organ of attention can achieve more balance and the flow of consciousness more direct. With these two facets of attention and flow, the insights from the void can be experienced with more accuracy, clarity, ease, and patience. There’s a careful equilibrium between experiencing and knowing as one journeys through the lull to the next destination.

SPEAK: An experience of the void will inevitably bring up feelings of despair, self-judgment, frustration, and basically wanting OUT. I get it. What is helpful in these moments is to verbalize a simple mantra: there is information here for me to receive. I often think of the expression, ‘One who has a strong enough ‘why’ can bear any ‘how.’” - Friedrich Nietzsche When there’s clarity on why the void is an important part of the human experiential cycle and process, then a simple reminder of how the presence of the void is in service of growing you (and not breaking you), can make all the difference. So as many times as you need, repeat to yourself: there is information here for me to receive.

OBSERVE: Adding to the notion of receiving, there is an energy to the void that is the contrast of productivity, seeking, and doing: allowing, receiving, and being. The in-between space is difficult because the degree of activity shifts palpably, and a different kind of ‘doing’ comes online. The concept of ‘non-doing’ in Taoism speaks to not necessarily the idea of doing nothing, but rather releasing the belief that one needs to excessively effort and struggle to create harmony in one’s life. The respect for the Higher Order and flow of the cosmos requires a surrender, which clears the space for a ‘natural action’ that brings one in harmony with a Greater Flow. Essentially, I am offering you an opportunity to examine your relationship with the energy of non-doing. This means observing how you relate to support, to receiving aid and love, to resting deeper into your back body, to allowing the world to meet you, and to relaxing into your life’s experiences. Observe the balance between these two ends of the continuum of life, action and rest, in hopes of discovering the dance, interchange, and absolute interdependency one has with the other. This rhythm is the language of the Universe.

Freedom runneth over in the depths of quiet, my dears.

Love love. -aa

**schedule a complimentary un-earthing call with me here.

References:

1. Strozzi-Heckler, R. (1984, 1993) The Anatomy of Change, p 102.