being lonely in a highly ‘social’ world.
Throughout my conversations and interactions, I like to draw out themes. Things that come up over and over again. It reminds me of our oneness and distinctiveness simultaneously. As someone who continues to get caught in the belief that I am the only one experiencing a certain level of distress, suffering, or irritation in relationship to something, it’s quite refreshing and validating that I find myself in others through dialogue. More on that…
I remember years ago when I was first introduced to the concept of ‘zeitgeist:’ a collective attitude or outlook of a people or culture at a specific point in time. I remember thinking the concept was brilliant because it helped me understand waves of repetitive (at the expense of logic at times) behaviors that would go unquestioned or get activated unconsciously. I have been in resistance to the status quo pretty much all of my life, partially from the insular structure of my upbringing, but also because I was always a ‘visible minority’ in all of my environments (which created a sense of othering) and therefore: why would I follow a crowd that didn’t represent my basic features, identities, and lived experiences? Still, witnessing what felt like the entire world engage in particular behaviors while watching from the fringes birthed a different kind of othering, the one in which I didn’t feel like I belonged. Belonging is a core requirement of a stable human experience and so, it’s not surprising to me that we end up with zeitgeists that are sometimes illogical and regressive to our development and evolution. “The extent to which people will defy nature to serve culture can be truly horrifying.” - Martha Beck
We’re about to plunge.
A current zeitgeist: we do not know how to process grief holistically and its many manifestations (e.g., sadness, sorrow, depression, anxiety, fear, nervousness, worry, mental confusion, daydreaming and reminiscing, issues of self-worth), resulting in pangs of loneliness and somatic dissonance (read: things don’t feel right) at pandemic proportions. The initial reaction to these pangs is to withdraw (as counterintuitive as it is) because there’s a sense that what we are feeling and experiencing is publicly embarrassing and uniquely our own. In this delusion of grandeur and shame, we can even become misanthropic: ‘I can’t stand people.’ When we utter these words and unconsciously take this stance, anti-social sentiments begin brewing. But not anti-social in the cute, marketable, trendy way (i.e., the anti-social social club). No; anti-social in the sense of collective sabotage, wreaking havoc through shame and canceling, with a surge of primitive behaviors that are of the lowest vibration and consciousness (read: tactics of isolation, ostracism, exclusion, and shunning). Remember, this is a zeitgeist, a collective cultural attitude. These behaviors begin incubating a deep void within us, a questioning of purpose, a bleak outlook on life’s trajectory, and a diminishment of our vitality and vibrancy. And the straw breaking the camel’s back: we believe these feelings ought to be dealt with alone and in ‘private.’
Please exhale here. Take 3 more breath cycles (inhale and exhale) before continuing, because I’m sure you’re gripping either in your mouth, tongue, teeth, jaw, or belly.
~
Your body is constantly sending signals to you via sensations (see Rumination ‘an ode to the aspiring polyglots: sensations’ for more information). These signals have no thoughts or ‘meaning’ attached to them beyond survival: the signals are literally your body trying to let you know whether something will support your safety or detract from it. Due to previous experiences and memories, our thinking brain attaches meaning to these sensations extremely rapidly, and we make judgments and assumptions equally fast, and depending on our environmental circumstances at the given time, we either listen to these signals (rare), dampen them (sometimes), or entirely suppress them (most common) to maintain composure. You know, ‘pull yourself together,’ ‘get ahold of yourself,’ ‘snap out of it,’ ‘get over it:’ this is the narrative. Well, that normalized narrative is unnatural, suboptimal, and incredibly disservicing.
Loneliness is a signal from your body that you NEED social connection. It is not a signal to be ignored or feel ashamed about. It’s vitality in the language of your life force. You are a social creature by design. It’s literally no different than a hunger or nausea signal. Would you suppress your hunger or a need to vomit? Absolutely not. You would be mentally and physically unwell if you did. Reframing how we view sensations and signals is tantamount to our growth, evolution, and existence in this material realm. The signal of loneliness typically arises in the chest- yes, you guessed it- around the heart space. It’s a beautiful expression of the desire to connect genuinely and authentically, to see and be seen, and re-up on some natural suffering-relieving chemicals (e.g., serotonin, endorphins), through gut-clenching laughter, heartfelt exchange of tears, and resting in the presence of another body’s way of being. It’s really freaking dope. There’s research that speaks to the impact of having local community and social connections in improving one’s life expectancy. The stress of social isolation manifests in lowered immune systems, poorer eating habits, and less physical activity. Compound this stress with your internal narrative that is either vehemently ignoring these signals or berating yourself for wanting to have a social connection in the first place. It’s not helpful and it’s keeping alive the lonely state that you desperately want resolved.
Social connections does not equal social media. Let’s introduce another word since the word ‘social’ has been co-opted by these media platforms that have you thinking you’re being a social creature, when in reality you’re left feeling unfulfilled, dissatisfied, and blasé by its use. As a social creature by design, having genuine social interactions and connections will leave you feeling alive, energized, and resourced. It’s as simple as recognizing when your life force feels lifted and when it feels drained. Another word that describes our inherent nature is ‘gregarious:’ fond of company. Company makes me think of companionship. There’s a closeness, an intimacy, and knowing of each other that can happen either over time or through mutual intention. It’s focused and the connection is tended to with care and attention. If we can start to allow this truth to sink in, that we require intentional time and attention with another being to feel connected, then it becomes jarringly clear that social media platforms cannot hold the complexity of our design, whatsoever. More importantly, these platforms insidiously draw out the parts of ourselves that are deeply unconscious and maybe even exiled, referred to as ‘the shadow’ by analytical psychology. Africa Brooke offers the interpretation that “we are rewarded for dehumanization and outrage” on these platforms and “not for unity and connection.” She further goes on to remark that ‘cancel culture,’ which she has reframed as ‘collective sabotage,’ is the ‘group conscious effort to act against our own best interests’ and it actually augments the division between people, ‘keeping us at each other’s throats so that we don’t focus on the real issues.’ I know you’re wondering how this is all connected to the initial topic, so let me draw a through line: if you’re divided from someone, it stops you from connecting with them. If you can’t connect with them, and this behavior becomes pervasive, in that you find you can’t connect with many people, you become isolated. This isolation breeds a signal of loneliness. The ignoring of this signal creates disharmony in your soma and inadvertently creates the variety of forms of grief mentioned at the beginning. In the desperate attempt to satisfy this feeling of loneliness, we run to ‘social media’ and the through line either repeats itself or we choose to go with the norm and numb ourselves to the depth of our cravings for company. More recently, it’s been shown that anger spreads more quickly than joy on social media platforms. So now we’re numb and angry, “shouting into the void of people’s comments sections, with our outrage misplaced and misdirected,” when all we’re really trying to do is connect, be understood, and be loved for who we are. *crickets* Yeah, this is rough.
The irony of loneliness is we all feel it at the same time. - together
- Rupi Kaur
The impetus of all of these ruminations is but two things: when you lack awareness, you lack choice. And when you do become aware, it is unexpectedly uncomfortable. And keep going. Keep allowing yourself to experience people, situations, and behaviors that encourage you to develop a quality of discernment. ‘Discernment:’ the ability to judge well. Our brains are judgment-making structures: is it going to rain? Can I fit into that parking space? Does she know there’s something in her hair? Do I want this job? Is this actually making me happy? In the face of making millions of judgments daily, the skill of discernment is giving you the opportunity to recalibrate your insights and communications to improve how you be in the world. You, as a whole, integrated human. What is this sensation in my chest? When was the last time I genuinely connected with someone? The easiest and most authentic way to connect with someone is to talk to them. Engage in dialogue. The fact that our attention, presence, and capacity to have deep conversations for a sustained period of time is being ‘stolen’ from us is no small threat or loss. It will take discipline and structure to improve our current social state. However, it simply starts with feeling the need for connection, respecting the wisdom and authority of your body when this loneliness signal arises, and asking someone curiously and genuinely, “How is your life going?”
Merging the Maps of Body, Speak, Observe:
BODY: Hey body. Your soma is a companion. It’s been with you since the beginning and it will be with you until the end. It truly has its own language, response times, insights, wisdom; it can teach you a lot and hold you most honestly. The loneliness you feel is real and natural, especially living in a highly technological, materially concrete, and spiritually devoid environment. Stop shaming, blaming, and negatively self-talking about your natural feelings. To become aware is to become uncomfortable. So I offer you to sit cross-legged with the lonely part of your self that you may have exiled, and allow it to be seen and heard. The paradox of allowing that part of your self time and attention is that you, as the entire entity, feel seen and attended to. And although not enough to completely eliminate the sensation, a small relief from the loneliness can often be felt. The courage to admit to a feeling of loneliness inherently contains the ingredients of the salve required in caring for that need. Start by internally articulating, ‘Some part of me feels lonely,’ and double-check to see where the sensations reside, either in your chest or elsewhere. Spend some time sitting next to that sensation, not letting it consume you but like a companion, keep it company and listen to it without assigning stories and beliefs to it.
SPEAK: This may come off facetious but: go talk to people! On the train, at the cafe, the grocery store, the security guard, the street vendor, your roommate, your neighbor, the guy at the bodega; the list is endless. Truly, the amount of opportunities to connect with a fellow human are potentially countless. Awkwardness is a sure sign of learning, so let yourself be awkward. Rather than ask the standard ‘How are you,’ try to ask (with sincerity) ‘How’s your life going?’ You’ll be quite surprised how much the interaction will open and widen, and you may even notice a sparkle in their eyes. And if the question isn’t reciprocated for you, just verbally nudge them to return the connection (then both of y’all can be awkward together ;)). As you speak, whether it be for 30 seconds or 30 minutes, notice if the sensations of loneliness or isolation begin to subside. It’s important to identify where the sensation initially resides (done in the ‘BODY’ step), so you can track that location when you engage in a social interaction.
OBSERVE: As you conclude the interaction, spend an extra minute noticing how your soma feels. Providing it’s a beneficial feeling, stay with it. Savor it. Let it completely run through you, without attaching any meaning to the interaction. It’s not always going to be so sensational, but for the times that they are, really let it permeate you down to the cellular level. If accessible, you might take note on what kind of interactions are especially exciting and enlivening, and which are mediocre and lackluster. This is not to only favor those enlivening interactions but rather to give you more data on the kinds of interactions that make you feel most alive. Grin, squeal, exclaim, jump at those moments of fullness.
**schedule a complimentary un-earthing call with me here.
Love love. -aa
*all quotations reference statements made by Africa Brooke*
The podcast that inspired a portion of this rumination was ‘Breaking Free from Tribalism and Celebrating Nuance with Africa Brooke’ on the Dhru Purohit Podcast.
