in many ways, this is a love memo.

L-O-V-E: ‘an intense feeling of deep affection; a great interest and pleasure in something.’ As a verb: ‘like or enjoy very much; feel deep affection for (someone).’

It’s giving shallow.

bell hooks gives a more actionable and piercing definition of love: ‘the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.’ *satisfied sigh* let’s love.

This rumination came from my recent completion of bell hook’s Communion: The Female Search for Love. The text explored the ways in which love has been exchanged for power, how a system like patriarchy has valued domination over equal partnership, and the devastation sexist thinking has had to healthy mutuality in relationships. Each of the concepts could have their own rumination and would arouse some beautifully-complex discourse, I’m sure. What really stayed with me after reading this text was actually none of the politics of love: rather, the way love has been externalized and centered outside of ourselves, relegating our fulfillment of self to the desperate need to be validated by an external entity. At the heart of this externalization lies the inability for females to reach a place of self-actualization and freedom, if everything needed to be ‘complete’ exist outside of themselves. Self-actualization is described as the ‘realization or fulfillment of one’s talents and potentialities,’ and is considered to be present in everyone. The problem with a system of domination like patriarchy, specific to the propaganda that a female is considered incomplete without a male partner, is that it suppresses a female’s capacity to build and love her independent self. Between the conditioning of seeking love as the pinnacle of her existence, the cultural devaluation of the female body, and the “terroristic tactics of exclusion, ostracism, and shunning” that occurs from others when one attempts to resist against the status quo, the quest for love is harried and frightening. But what are the repercussions of remaining within the current rhetoric? A bottomless pit of dissatisfaction, a soul density, a soul wound.

When love, one of the most transformative and awakening experiences, perpetually exists outside of ourselves, there’s deep, unresolved sadness, loneliness, and grief that swells within. “You wander from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck.” - Rumi That hunt is as primitive as it sounds: insatiable, instinctual, desperate, imbalanced. If one were to reach the end of that “hunt,” there’s still a sense of unfulfillment, especially if you found the diamond necklace on someone else’s neck. Essentially, any diction that tells you to the answers are “out there” inadvertently is telling you that you are not enough. And the reason for this type of mass externalization of your identity is to fundamentally control you through competition and ‘othering’ of yourself from others, including your own self. Resistance starts with your refusal. 

At the core of this refusal is the commitment to saying ’no’ to all things that negate your value of wholeness. In regaining a sense of enough-ness, the first action is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance, as defined by Nathaniel Branden, is ‘the refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.’ The refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself. The refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself. Adversarial: ‘involving or characterized by conflict or opposition; opposed, hostile.’ The refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself. How do we refuse? The minute some external input comes into contact with your soma that insidiously insinuates a hostile perspective towards your own existence, LITERALLY SAY ‘NO.’ Cut the expression, experience, conversation off. Refuse to entertain or allow the exchange to complete. Put your hand up and stop it. This is not to ‘plug your ears’ and ignore the input that is valuable to your growth and evolution. It is to stop the unconscious and complacent receptivity of communication that leaves you to pick up the broken pieces of your self, with no regard for the tenderness of your humanity. Refuse to be in an adversarial relationship to yourself.

By practicing self-acceptance, we begin creating new standards for our spiritual growth, life’s purpose, and interdependent relationships in the world. We are no longer relying on family, friends, lovers, colleagues, and society to tell us the standards by which we inherently know will bring us insight, aliveness, and satisfaction. A natural by-product of self-acceptance is self-love. In the act of accepting all aspects of yourself, truly, there’s a sweet intimacy of being able to give yourself the necessary medicine, the right dose of carefully selected remedies that is the apothecary of attention and sensitivity to self. Knowledge of self is a different kind of power, rooted in love, compassion, consideration, and fullness of being. When we choose to self-love, “we affirm our agency, commit to personal growth,” and revel in “emotional openness.”

bell talks about the “search for love as the search to be free.” Not having to hold all the expectations and standards of externalized entities already feels like liberation for me. Especially having done that all my life. When I can start creating loving bonds and circles of love from deeply rooted self-acceptance and self-love, rather than demand an external entity be my ‘everything’ and give that to me, the exchange of mutuality becomes a core value. “Mutual growth is the foundational bonding principle.” In this way, the capacity to work on both self-love and relational love becomes realized. Let’s do away with the propaganda that loving one’s self is selfish. Instead, see that it is an absolute disservice and a highly negligent act to engage in interpersonal relationships with minimal cognizance and awareness of your self’s needs, blind spots, and triggers. It is even more reckless to unconsciously expect and demand love from an external entity, a love in which you are unconsciously withholding from your own self. The learning of self-acceptance and self-love is paramount to all other relational learning.

From self-acceptance and self-love, we build self-esteem. An integral part of self-esteem is “assuming responsibility for one’s life, happiness, and well-being.” Assume responsibility. Within this beautiful web of individual and collective bodies, there’s a personal responsibility to become familiarized with your own self, and go forward with pursuits that promote your well-being, integration, contentment, and yes, self-actualization. I remember moments of intense jealousy, envy, and sadness when I would see others ‘living their lives.’ I also sensed the isolation and insecurity that surfaced in me when I tried to exercise my right to grow spiritually and intellectually as a female in a system that told me my only value was finding a life partner. When I started to build my self-esteem, reminding myself that the world uses isolation to break people’s spirits, and that the discovery I was making was in service of my highest self and consequently, every single relationship I am engaged in (by the way, you’re always in relationship, all the time, with every living thing on this planet), I recognized the magic and mystery in releasing my intense grip on order, rules, conditionings, expectations, and ultimately, ‘knowing.’ How lovely it is to just be.

Close your eyes, fall in love... stay there. - Rumi

What are some traits of a self-actualizing being?

“Commitment to personal growth.

Emotional openness.

Integrity.

Maturity and responsibility.

High self-esteem.

Positive attitude towards life.”

OUF. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear…

I finish with a few words from bell herself: would you want it any other way?

~

Remove the belief that anyone else can save your life. Learn to distinguish real love from the fantasy of being rescued.

Get pleasure out of life. Lead a passionate existence.

Find the soulmate within and nurture that bond.

Without knowing one another, we can never experience intimacy.

There is nothing more romantic than the intensity of mutual connection.

We exchange and seek companions to share mutual regard and recognition.

~

Merging the Maps of Body, Speak, Observe:

BODY: The cultural devaluation of the female body has created an infertile environment for self-acceptance, -love, and overall -esteem. Living in a culture that purely defines females by our physical bodies results in extreme dissociation, self-hatred, incessant competition, and an anaesthetizing of our relationship and existence in our bodies. It is wildly dysregulating and disruptive. I offer you a tender and difficult practice of looking at your body and listing all the things you do not- or told yourself you cannot- accept about it. Write them all out. Be radically honest. Notice the sensations that arise as you look at your body (either directly or through a reflection) and acknowledge the things you don’t like or don’t accept about it. Stop yourself from going into your thoughts, which lead to a mental narrative. Just be with the sensations, try to describe them, localize them, notice any patterns of repeated reaction sites. Watch the body’s reaction to receiving an honest assessment about it.

SPEAK: For each item on your list of things you don’t/can’t accept about your body, simply respond ‘This is my body.’ Not in a possessive or ownership way, but rather a surrendering to what is. A resoluteness. This is what it is. It is a home for a soul. A vast potential resides within it. This is my body. Loop in the sensations that arise from stating this to yourself for each item on your list.

OBSERVE: Spend time sitting quietly with this practice. It’s deep, on-going wounding. “For women, all this equality and public presence did nothing to satisfy our souls.” There’s a soul wound here of having our purpose and value externalized. Notice through the self-acceptance exercise if there’s room to receive some self-love. Close your eyes, place a hand somewhere on your body, fall in love, and stay there.

**schedule a complimentary un-earthing call with me here.

love love. -aa

*all quotations reference statements from Communion*